A Dream Deterred

Like I had stated before, there were a bunch of things I never did in FFXI.   Mostly high level things like murdering the shit out of HNMs. Not because I didn't want to. Oh, no, you guys have it all wrong.

Who wouldn't want plan for months, gather a huge team of mighty warriors with poor grammar, get killed by Tiamat serial times until you land a lucky shot, get a drop, and wear something that would be obsolete in a few patches?

Sounds like a grand old time to me.

No, I didn't do most of the things I wanted to because I never gave enough of a shit to take time away from enjoying the game and turning it into a chore. That's exactly the reason why I haven't joined a raid group in FFXIV.

Is it because I think I'm weak? Pfft, fuck off. I am confident if I ever did try a raid, i would destroy whatever happened to walk in front of me. Be it Alexander's various appendages, some sort of giant enemy crab, or an elezen.

Yes, I did sky raiding with an LS.  Yes, it was on a set schedule. Yes, I punched God in the face. But you know what? Looking back on it, I could have done so much more activities than setting aside 3 days a week plus Saturdays so I could kill a turtle a few times.

If I want to raid, it will be on my own terms. Bitch.

Plus anything obtained in a raid will be worthless within two patches.

Now, this post isn't only about raids or HNMs. There were other things I never got to do because I would be forced to sacrifice hours to Skylar, the God of Time.

Also, I hate working with people. They're always retarded, not me. Never.

I had large aspirations in my early years of XI. Dynamis was one of the things I enjoyed, yet as it became more and more popular, people were forced to schedule times and dates that a certain LS would enter.

Fuck that shit. Let me murder some invasive Quadav for a fancy hat.

I never got to do ZNM or Odin fights when they came out because I needed a team. I never got to do Salvage because I needed a team. I never did anything having to do with Pandemonium Warden. The Zilart missions took me years to complete. I still haven't finished CoP or ToAU because everything requires a fucking part time ingame job.

That was one of the things that infuriated me about XI. You could do nothing by yourself. At least in XIV you could join a random raid and maybe the retard your paired with will pull heads out of asses en masse just long enough to scrape a win from the bottom of the loser barrel.

But I would honestly do that over and over rather than making a game into a job. Fun and misery on my own terms, dammit.

Music to my Ears

No matter how long you haven't played a game, there's always one thing that sticks with you no matter what.

The dunes. That will never go away no matter how much therapy you go through.

But seriously.

The music.

It's crazy what music can do. It can take you back to old memories or doing Goddess knows what.


You log into the Playonline viewer. Just this tune is enough to get you amped up:

This would play as you quickly hit all the buttons to log in as fast as possible:

Once you finally log in, if you're like me, you were greeted with this:

Then you would gear up, step outside the comforting city walls and into the harsh wilderness:

Kill a few monsters:

After shit murdering, maybe head up to Jeuno to do a little shopping:

What's that? Someone needs help killing Dark Spark in Castle Zvhal? I'll be right there!

Sweet Altana, that song always sends shivers down my spine and pee down my leg. 

So you head back to Jeuno, and someone asks you if you can help them unlock samurai. Being the not 20,000g charging guy that you are, you agree and head off:

After the quick battle is over, you have time to kill before mom makes you a sammich and tucks you in. Maybe you gotta go strut around the other cities and show off some Bastokan superiority. Head over to Windurst first because Tarus pose no threat at all:

Then get your ass to Sandy because those snooty elves need a good dose of manliness:

After all the elves are crying, you decide it's time to get going, so you head back to your Mog House:

And you log off for the night. What a great day.

See how much of a time travel simple music can be? This is something I feel XIV lacks. There's not a ton of memorable music. Maybe the cities, I dunno. If you asked me to hum the theme to Limsa Lominsa right now, I would draw a blank and tell you your shoe was untied even though you're not wearing shoes and you're in my house why exactly? Get out of my house.

But seriously, guys. Memorable music lasts a lifetime. Remember that.

Brother, MYY Brother

Before you begin reading this post, play this song. It will get everyone in the mood.

Now, we can begin.

My brother and I started and played FFXI at the same time. I remember telling him I didn't want to put any money towards the PS2 version because, and I quote, "I probably wouldn't play it much." You all know how that turned out.

We started on the same account, different characters. Passing the controller back and forth. Because of this, we couldn't do anything together ingame, so we were just forced to help each other out externally (re: not kill one another over who's turn it was).

I wanna say he did more stuff than I actually did, even though I had more game time. I remember him entering that Ballista Royale tournament, and it was awesome, even if their team was knocked out in the second round. It was two rounds further than I got. He was a master at murdering the shit out of Stroper Chyme and was a gosh darn sexy thief with his scorpion harness and knives and stuff.

If there was a nickname I could give him that suited him, it would be "Ballista master thief and killer of Stroper Chyme sometimes."

Perfect.

Eventually after I moved to Louisiana and set up the game down there, he agreed to open another account so we could play. I transferred all of his things and deleted his character. It was sad, and I felt really bad about doing that, but I helped him out as much as I could. I promise.

We played XIV together as well, buying the v1.0 collector's edition and having a woo-dilly of a time, all the while ignoring the fact we paid $80 for early access to a pile of shit.

There aren't many things better than playing a game with a close family member, and everything we did I treasure. It was fun and awesome and I hope to continue to have more adventures with you, brother. Even if you're a poopy butt fart from a shit fuck.

Leveling Areas In A Nutshell

Finding a perfect camp to level was difficult. Mainly because there's a 100% chance your party would end up being retarded. So you tried to offset that retardation with massive exp gain and several hammer blows to the temple. There were a bunch of camps to choose from, yet some yielded more exp than others. And thus concludes the end of this post. I hope you enjo-

*Nearby WWII-style radio crackles to life*

"As, quick! I've fallen into a time machine and need to know where to level circa 2005! Also, my penis is nowhere near as big as yours is."

No problem, bro. I got you covered. And I'm sorry I make everyone around me, regardless of their timeline, feel inadequate. Here's a list of everywhere I got used to leveling from 10-75. Also, who the fuck are you?

10-20 Valkurm Dunes.

*shudders* Yeah, start here. Start near the Konschtat Highlands entrance and kill lizards until you don't die from just looking at a crab. Then go kill crabs at one of the beaches.While looking at them. Goblins as well.

20-25 Qufim Island

Make the long and stressful trek to Jeuno. You will die along the way. But not to worry! Qufim Island awaits! Murdering worms is fun and mega good exp when you're just starting. Head to the center lake and murder your fill. Just be sure to run away at night. When worm exp gets slow, head to Delkfutt's Tower and murder crabs and gigas around there. Five levels might not seem like a lot, but with a retarded party, it feels like an eternity.

25-32 Kazham

Assuming you got your keys, jump on the airship and head to the tropical paradise of Kazham! Sexy Mithra come from here. Right outside the main gate are several camping spots that are taken. Find a new experimental one. Seriously. They're always taken. Murder Mandragora until 30 then get lost on your way to Yhoator Jungle. Whenever you arrive, and if your entire party hasn't disbanded due to people constantly dying, kill Mandragora and goblins until 35 then get the fuck out of there. Like, now.

32-38 Garlaige Citadel

This is one of the other places where hope goes to die. No one will know how to do their job, but will let you know how to do yours. Kill beetles and bats until your party disbands. Then find another party until level 38. Just do it, guys. Please.

38-48 Crawler's Nest

Ok, guys. Set up a mailbox and put a shrimp on the barbie, because you're going to be here a while. Kill Crawlers. And keep killing Crawlers until your hands fall off. Then glue them back on and keep killing Crawlers. Go deeper into the nest and kill Crawlers. Workers, Rumblers, Soldiers, oh my! Just don't look up.

48-56 Kuftal Tunnel

Oh boy, this place brings back memories. Mostly lying face down while our healer runs away whilst aggroing every crab in the zone. Kill crabs and lizards. And get used to it. They last for a while. You can move deeper and kill goblins and raptors if you like.

56-60 Cape Terrigan

Dunes v2.0 Kill crabs and pugils and any goblins who might run into you. Then kill them again because everything aggros and links here. Enjoy, you fucking masochist.

60-65 Boyahda Tree

This place. This fucking place. If you manage to find a party of people who actually know where this place is, go there. You'll make memories that will last a lifetime. Mostly of spiders using sickle slash until you throw your controller across the room and scratch fervently at your face. Kill crabs too. You've already killed crabs in every other fucking area, so might as well.

65-70 Bibiki Bay

When I discovered this place, it was magical. This was at a point in my career where everyone knew how to do their job and parties were like well-oiled machines; awkward and sticky with a Spanish guy yelling off in the distance. Kill dhalmel and the occasional wandering goblin. Just be sure not to get exploded. Efts are optional because they take way too long. You could probably level to 75 here, but where's the fun in that? Where's the fun in anything, really.

70-75 Ro'Maeve

Now, unless you have your moongate pass, this place will be a bit difficult for you. Get that shit on a full moon and put together a party. Murder everything that looks like frightening nightmare fuel. Grind it out. This is the last camp you'll ever see until you decide to level something else. Then start this list all over while crying blood.

And there you have it! These were all the places I camped while I was playing. Of course, there were several one-off areas and experimental camps. Of course new areas were added with each expansion, so this list might be useless unless you fell into a time machine like whats-his-face over there.

Might want to write this down just in case.

Reporting for Duty

This. Guys, this.

Wings of the Goddess.

This shit is what I wanted. This is what I sacrificed Tarus for. Like, a lot. A lot of Tarus went into making this expansion.

I got the PS2 version from a Gamestop in Miami, and I read the back of the case over and over. I read the manual over and over. This was something completely different. I, great warrior that I was, would be time-traveling and fighting enemies hundreds of years in the past.

Finally, I could take on the beastmen horde and save the future of Bastok!

And let me tell you. The beastmen looked fucking awesome in their past gear.

Holy shit.

Honestly, if the tribes still had that armor, I would have joined up with them to conquer the world.

Also, could fight alongside the greatest heroes of the past. Like Maat and everyone else who isn't Maat.

This expansion also gave us two new jobs; Scholar and Dancer, which both should not be on any kind of battlefield whatsoever. It also introduced us to Lilisette, a famous dancer I guess with a dozen facial expressions and an amount of hentai searches to rival even Prishe.

But the new jobs and fap material were not what I was after. Those were extras. Sexy, sexy extras

I wanted to see what Bastok was like before it was graced with my presence. Before my character was born by the grace of the Goddess and every mother was forced to discard their child in shame because, yea, they were not me.

There were other areas too, but fuck everything else.

When I got there after trekking through past-versions of zones I know and love (re: fucking hate), I arrived in Bastok and it was... The same, really. Except cannons everywhere. Not sure what I had expected. Maybe spots around the market area that weren't built yet? Maybe? But that didn't happen. It all looked the same except with more flags and guns. Which was cool, I guess. It was wartime after all.

I quickly enlisted because fuck yes, and then I started murdering stuff in campaign battles, which consisted of a large group of mighty warriors defending a strategic outpost from wave after wave of beastmen horde. Until a boss showed up, then everyone either died or ran away until the battle was over.

Seriously, guys. You're supposed to be the pride a nation. A giant Quadav farting poison should not force you to scatter like roaches. And this happened. Every. Time.

Campaign battles popped up everywhere, so I had to collect outpost points to quickly get from areas around Bastok to areas not around Bastok that I only protected because I am the hero this world needs.

I collected allied notes and rose through the ranks. I did ops where I searched the city and disposed of suspicious items, which was probably a way for them to trick me into being a janitor. I killed beautiful fairies and didn't kill ugly, ugly Elvaan. Famous people like Maat and Beastmaster Moui were recruited and sacrificed upon the altar of Bastok. I murdered a lot of shit and messed with the past so much, I'm surprised when I got back to the present, Karst wasn't replaced with a tonberry wearing a fancy mustache.

It was really awesome feeling like you were fighting for the future of the world, even if you already know the world is gonna be fine. Also because a cat told me to, and I never say no to a magical feline. It was cool watching the Shadow Lord rise to power, only to murder him again and again. It was beautiful. Wings of the Goddess delivered everything I hoped for except one thing.

Everyone know's what I'm talking about. We expected it the moment we looked at the game manual.

Chocobo jousting.

...What? Just me?

Well, maybe it was only me who wanted jousting. But I know a lot of people who were disappointed there wasn't any sort of Chocobo combat. That shit would have made this expansion about 7% better. Also, thank you for making a job with AF more frilly than Corsair. My dignity thanks you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go... um... Research Lilisette.

Stupid Friday

Friday snuck up on me fast. Almost... Too fast. Like it was just waiting at the end of the week for me to be right up on it... then BAM. In my face like mace. Stingy.

And I happen to have work tomorrow, plus getting all the crap together for my new vehicle. Which you probably don't care about, so here's something I can segway into:

Chocobos: The driving force behind everything.

I have to say, if getting a car in this world was as easy as getting a chocobo in that other world, I would't be losing as much hair as I am now. Luckily, I am cultivating head hair on my face as a backup plan, but still think about it.

You talk to a guy who looks like me but smells like bird shit, then you feed a chocobo for a few days, and that's it. If all I had to do was fill my car up with gas for a few days in order to obtain it, things would be a lot simpler.

Now, most of you might not remember that SE snuck in a little quest at one point. When I was explaining to a friend that all he had to do was talk to poop guy then feed a bird, I was a little confused when he told me there was a cutscene involving a chocobo getting lost in Konschtat Highlands.

Apparently SE thought it was more important to raise a chocobo before you got a license, so they placed the raising system quest before the license quest. Makes sense to me question mark?

I myself never actually gave a shit about raising a chocobo. Of course when it first came out I hatched my egg and watched over my chick carefully. And when it came time for the feathers to turn colors? Yellow. ALWAYS YELLOW.

I just kinda forgot about it for a few months and then it grew up. I imagine the stables were much like a neglected tamogotchi, with piles of shit as far as the eye can see.

My chocobo whistle was worthless because I could walk faster than my chocobo could run, and I'm pretty sure all the females were laughing at my registration card as they walk out the door with a football quarterback in each arm. So I would release my little guy into the sunset, and I would shed a single tear as I watched the friend I raised from an egg turn and walk away. Very, very slowly walk away. Seriously, all that racing training, and he still moved slower than a Galka through a sea of Tarutaru corpses that I probably murdered.

Oh that reminds me!

The chocobo racing circuit they added later was a fucking joke. No one ever went there, and the few times I did, I lost money because you had to pick two winners. Two. It was hard enough picking who you thought would finish first, but picking two was just evil. And you know the funny thing? Every chocobo I picked to finish first, finished fucking first. But the one I bet on to place second would stop to pick at his asshole while Cleetus in left field ran up and snagged silver.

It was bullshit. And I had such high hopes because gambling can be fun. Also, it was called Chocobetting. You would place a Chocobet and win Chocobucks. Jesus Christ, the whimsy is through the roof.

Chocobo stuff in XIV is a lot more betterer. At least I finally have a chocobo that isn't yellow and actually moves faster than a rock.

In conclusion


Something. Good night, all. And happy Friday.

A Whole New World

Chains of Promathia did a good job of keeping us in the same continent. It was awesome to see new parts of the world you've grown familiar to.

But then. All of a sudden.

Treasures of Aht Urhgan.

It was a whole new continent. With whole new shits to murder. This was huge.

Well, not huge. But really big.

One look at the map could tell you this was going to be a long drawn-out expansion with tons to do. Which wasn't a bad thing. I loved new quests and areas to explore. But that also meant the expansion might be 25%-30% new endgame stuff that I probably wouldn't do for a long time. Or ever.

I read and reread the manual that came with my PS2 copy. The new beast tribes looked fucking bad ass. Lamia, which all looked like 1980's harem Medusa. Mamool Ja, giant lizards with bobbly penis heads. Big ass Trolls, which looked like trolls. And Qiqirn, those adorable little racist stereotypes.

The latter three would also periodically attack Aht Urghan Whitegate, the entrance to the main city, in a fucking huge battle called Besieged, which I will go into greater detail in another entry because I do what I want.

Also, guys! New jobs!

Yes, this expansion brought the jobs Corsair, Puppetmaster and Blue Mage. All of these jobs looked interesting. Especially Corsair. Man, all that frilly armor looked... Gay, I'm not gonna lie.

But the fact that Corsair was continuously called a pirate piqued my interest. Enough that one of the first things I did was unlock Corsair.

So fucking frilly. Kill me now.

That's better. Sorry, Darios. Sometimes collateral damage is necessary.

After attaining Corsair, I quickly learned it was as much a pirate as San d'Oria was my favorite place to visit. In case that went over your head: it wasn't.

Yes, they got a gun and hat. And the name. But that's the extent of their piratism. I never once plundered ships or made British soldiers walk the plank. I did get plenty of booty, but that was just my regular routine.

Quick: what's the first thing you think of when I say "Pirate"?

Did you say "Cards?" Good! Because that's what Corsair had. It's main ability was cards.

Shiny cards that spun around. Probably to distract party members from the fact that you were doing shit damage. And probably just staring at a Mithra's ass.

And everything was expensive as hell. You had to use dice to obtain abilities (like you do), which you couldn't get anywhere except a vendor, who sold them for regular vendor-inflated prices. Then bullets were still fucking expensive. And your Quick Draw abilities cost different cards plus bullets. Fucking shit, SE. It's like you actually WANT people to buy gil.

But all that aside, Aht Urhgan was a solid expansion with tons to do and a new hub city that turned Jeuno into a ghost town. Which wasn't a bad thing. It was actually one of my wishes from the very beginning. Only difference was the whole "expansion" thing and not "Elvaan-seeking nuke."

Try to be snooty when you're dead, bitches.

Spoiler: Elvaan actually can.

Updates? Updates.

Yes, I have been slacking on updating the blog. Does it mean this blog is dead?

You wish, Himmler.

This blog will remain strong and steadfast. Just, slowly paced. So you know what that means?

Check back as often as you can! Every day! Every hour maybe. In fact, just keep checking the page.

So, what have I been up to in my blog-absence? In short: work. In long: a lot of fucking work.

This new house is coming along nicely, albeit slower than the blog updates. There will be some changes in the next few weeks, but never fear! I am still awesome.

I finally got around to watching Wicker Man, and it's as painful as the time I took WoW for a spin.

It hurts my soul and my hole.

Nicholas Cage's acting is painful to watch, yet you can't look away. Like a hobo fight, it threatens you with whatever is around it. Bees? Yes. More bees? Totally. This is a movie of bees, I gathered so far.

Bees and yelling. Also punching women. Which is never cool, guys. No matter how good it feels, never punch a woman.

As the end credits roll by, I feel cheated. Like Nick owes me something. This movie was free, yet I feel compelled to demand a refund.

Can one refund time? Possibly.

Anyways, check back often. Updates are sure to come.

Just like bees.

Easy As 1, 2, 3

It has come to my attention that dunes parties these days are pussified versions of their former selves. Kids these days will never know the horrors we went through. They have their little books and cozy exp bonuses. Well, time for a learning experience, fellas.

I present, for you viewing pleasure, Asrail's ABC's of Partying In Valkurm Dunes Circa 2005:


A is for Alright! Time to level up!

B is for Better put up my party flag!

C is for Certainly I will join your party!

D is for Don't you think we should wait for a healer?

E is for Everybody says we should wait for a healer.

F is for Fine, let's try without a healer.

G is for Great, we're all dead.

H is for Home Point.

I is for I forgot to set my home point close by.

J is for Jogging back to the dunes.

K is for Kiting a train of goblins to Selbina.

L is for Look, I just want two more levels so I can go to Qufim.

M is for Member. We need one more.

N is Nobody has their flag up.

O is for OMG a healer.

P is for Please invite this healer so we can get exp.

Q is for Quick before someone else grabs him.

R is for Really? Is the leader afk?

S is for Seriously? Is he seriously fucking afk?

T is for The healer just got a party. And the tank left. To party with the healer.

U is for Ughhhh. I fucking hate you, dude.

V is for Violence. I want to use it on you.

W is for What the actual fuck, guys?

X is for Fuck this shit.

Y is for You guys are retarded.

Z is for Fuck the dunes.