The Parser Problem

I'm going to say something because I believe it needs to be said. This is really important and must be shouted from the rooftops. Crowds must chant en masse for the world to comprehend and finally do something about this rampant problem plaguing our MMORPG society. I'm going to cut right to the chase:

Shove your goddamn parser up your fucking ass.

No matter how much you think you might be helping. Before you even start to explain your parser readout. Before you even mention you are using a parser. Before you even think about the word "parser".

Firmly place it betwixt thine buttocks and sit down for a fortnight.

No one cares. The only one who gives a shit about weather or not the Bard is doing more damage than the Summoner is you. And generally speaking, no one cares about you either.

I know this is not just a FFXIV issue. I have seen screenshots of people being kicked from whatever WoW does for not parsing high DPS. Out of the 12 people who still play WoW, one of them is not parsing well. Not parsing well at all. Steve.

Personally, I don't give a shit if you're using a parser to check your e-peen while you tank. That's fine. But don't belittle someone else because your parser says they're doing poor. And for the love of Rahlgr, don't kick them from the party. It only makes you look like an asshat when you walk around like some sort of DPS gestapo.

Asshat.

Recently, I had turned from a shit-murderer into a shit-mender. My white mage is level 70, geared, and ready for raids. While farming tomestones, I was forced into a party where the Paladin tank refused to use his shield oath because he wanted to parse high dps.

I scoffed and let him die, because I am God.

You are a tank. Do not parse anything except talons to the face. That is your job. As a healer, I throw out DPS when I can and heal your sorry ass so you do not die.. As a tank, you are expected to keep said ass in tank stance and hold hate so I do not die. If I die, everyone dies. As mentioned before, I am God.

We never EVER had this problem back in FFXI. I'm not sure about these days, but parsers were virtually nonexistent back in the golden days. I remember the only time I even heard someone mention a parser. I was in Sky on Samurai farming with my LS. We were killing adds for Despot to spawn, and someone sent me a tell saying he was impressed because I was doing 75% of the entire damage output of the party. I asked him how he knew, and he explained what a parser was. I said "cool", we both went about our business. Possibly him with an erection because of my amazing Samurai skills. Me with a definite erection.

See what happened there? Aside from the mutual boners, a parser was mentioned, then never spoke of again. That is how it should be. And do not ever shirk your role in order to increase some magical number. Healers do not like that. If you're in my party and you mention a parser, I'm going to let you die. End of story.