It was my freshmen year in high school when I happened to find the Gunslinger in my dad's bookshelf and start reading. From the first opening sentence, I was hooked. I got a library card just so I could read the next books in the series. It took me years to finish, and it is still my favorite to this date. The world laid out before me was interesting, the characters were memorable, the morals and lessons throughout still stick with me to this day. I own the comic series, which adds so much depth and backstory to a series I already love so much.So naturally when a movie was announced months back, I was excited.
Until I saw the trailer.
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Oh boy...
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I realize you can't judge a movie by the trailer, but there were a few things off about this, not just the casting choices. Naturally, I was hesitant. Stephen King doesn't exactly have a great track record when it comes to movies, but I was willing to give this a shot.
...
Oh boy...
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This weekend, I went with a friend of mine who has read the series, and my girlfriend who had a very vague idea of the series because of how much I talk about it, so we had a good mix of opinions.
Here is my opinion.
Fuck this movie.
As a long time fan, fuck this movie.
As a movie, fuck this movie.
What's wrong with it? This might get a little ranty, but I'm just going to crap it all out. I'll try to keep it short and to the point. Here goes:
This movie is supposed to be a "sequel" to the books. If you've read the book, you know Roland's life has been restarting whenever he reaches the tower, with slight changes, which isn't the greatest ending in the world, but Ka is a wheel and whatnot. So sure. Sequel it up I guess.
But if you're going to do this, do not try to piece random shit from all seven books, water it down, then try to cram in some made up backstory about Jake. The way Roland and Jake were supposed to meet was a million times more interesting than just "I've been having dreams about this dude, let's jump into his dimension".
Eddie, Susannah and Oy never make an appearance. You can argue that they never appear in the first book. Well, you know what else doesn't appear in the first book? New York, the breakers, any sort of doorway between the worlds.
The man in black was never supposed to be some comic book villain. His stupid fucking "stop breathing" powers made me shake my head every time he randomly killed someone through the power of suggestion.
His motivation in the movie was never explained, he was just an evil asshole.
He never had anything to do with the breakers, he never has a showdown with Roland where he uses rocks to deflect bullets, and he never fucking catches Roland's bullets and throws then back at him. Come on, guys. This is getting fucking retarded.
It's not the fucking "shine." No. Fuck you. It's the "touch" throughout the entire series. Fuck you and your fucking shine.
From the very beginning of the movie, they try to shoehorn in references. The Tet Corporation logo shows up before anything, which got me hyped a little, until I realized it had nothing to do with anything at all. 19 showed up randomly without any explanation. Crimson King graffiti was just kinda there, even though he was supposed to be the main fucking villain.
The gunslinger's lesson was another thing. Why was Roland and Steven reciting it to each other while they were under attack by an unseen force? "I aim with my eye" is something Roland must have forgotten when Jake was kidnapped and he had to make a fancy shot through a bunch of shit to save him, all the while not aiming with his eye. He used the power of hearing. Which I totally remember him having in the book.
The concept of Keystone Earth was very widely accepted by way too many people. Roland was not supposed to know about the idea of multiple worlds until he pulls Eddie through the first doorway. Not to mention that some random desert tribe just happened to have a working portal, with gasoline and the knowledge to use the fucking thing.
The roses at the end made no sense because no connection to roses was presenting throughout the entire movie. Everything was just slapped together, but look, everyone! Roland is eating a hotdog, which he thinks is a real dog! "What breed?" Oh, Roland, you're such a character. "Do you have some more sugar?" No, but I have some more fuck you.
Jake uses a gun a total of 1 time. Yet at the end of the movie, Roland is just like "come with me, gunslinger" and they walk off into the sunset until the next movie. Which I hope to Rhalgr never happens. They are supposed to have a TV series planned, but that would mean everything has to be cannon off the movie, completing this holocaust and making me want to burn my eyes.
The most uninteresting part of the movie was Roland himself. He's supposed to be this answer to why Jake keeps having these dreams, but Roland has no idea what's going on either. He's just after the man in black because bad man need shoot.
(In Conclusion)
Is this a good movie for people who enjoyed the series? Fuck no. My God, fuck no. Read the books, read the comics, read a different series entirely. Do not see this movie.
Is this a good movie for people who have not read the series? No. My girlfriend said she had no idea what was going on half the time, but "Idris Elba is sexy". So I guess that's something.
As a movie, it's just dull. The plot is confusing and drags on, throwing references here and there to make you point and go "heh, 19". That's about it.
The fight scenes are cheesy, and for a gunslinger who lives by the bullet, Roland sure does like to waste ammo.
That's my movie review. Go read the books and don't eat any dogs.
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