Story Time

Gather 'round, chilluns. Ol' pappy Asrail has one hootinanny of a humdinger. And no, he will not be speaking in a borderline racist southern accent.

Not a lot, anyway, ya whippersnappers.

What I have for you today is a tale that transcends time and stupidity to bring you existential joy from the deepest bowels of your... bowels. Your butthole.

This is a story that I wish to keep alive because it is just so omgwtf that it needs to be archived for future generations to study while eating food in pill form and peeing in pants that are made for peeing in.

What a time to be alive.

Now, this is not my story. I did not invent this gem. That honor goes to Shiga/Seriyu, whom I will be calling Shiga because fuck you that was his name back then. He swore this happened. Remember that.

He swore this happened.

With that in mind, I now give you

                The Siege of Jeuno

This event happened in the early years of FFXI. A Tarutaru named Hiptaru was one of the most important players on the server, having amassed millions totally legally and maxed out all his jobs early on, he was granted vast unimaginable powers that are totally real by the head GM.

These powers made Hiptaru a hero this world needed, and also a target by the heads of every beastmen tribe in Vana'diel. Quadav, Yagudo, Orc, Gigas, Goblin and Tonberry banded together in an effort to stop Hiptaru from fulfilling the ancient prophecy of something cool, and planned a siege on Jeuno.

They succeeded and the city was overrun.

Men, women, children, and to a lesser extent, Elvaan, were slaughtered without mercy. The ambassadors from each nation were held for ransom, and the Duke was missing.

Hiptaru had to use his rightfully earned and totally real powers to stop the beastmen horde, yet he could not do it alone.

Of course he couldn't.

Shiga, a new adventurer with skill and eagerness to defend the realm, had a fateful encounter wherein he saved Hiptaru's life, and thus was Hiptaru's first and only choice to confront the beastmen in their new stronghold.

Shiga knew the extreme risk of this quest, yet his stalwart heart would not let all of those poor NPCs be terrorized any longer.

They entered Jeuno under the cover of darkness and used silent oils and prism powders to sneak past the guards.

Deeper in the city, stronger NMs were encountered and many were slain by Shiga's hand. Hiptaru was injured during a fierce fight with an exceptionally powerful Goblin, and bade Shiga to go on without him. He magically entrusted Shiga with his godlike powers and hid in the mog house to tend his wounds.

Shiga was all alone, yet even solitude would not deter him from reaching the top.

Sneaking most of the way and fighting the rest, Shiga ended up at the top of Ru'Lude Gardens. There, surrounded by dozens of guards, was the King Tonberry.

His fear rising, he stepped out of the shadows and faced the horde, spear raised. The King was impressed with Shiga's display of fearlessness, that he decided to fight one on one. He dismissed his guard and faced Shiga.

Being an extremely powerful NM, Shiga was not prepared for the King's attacks, many of which were not programmed for any other monster.

Shiga was struck by a mortal blow with a high level spell, and was flung across Jeuno. There he lay as the Tonberry King leaned over him, charging another spell.

"YOU CAN NEVER WIN!" The King roared, releasing his spell. All hope was lost. The end was near, and Shiga closed his eyes, bracing for death.

The spit second before the spell hit Shiga, a brilliant light surrounded him and deflected the attack. The King, taken aback, roared loudly and charged another attack.

Rising to his feet as the King released another spell, Shiga easily deflected the attack and charged, raising his spear high.

With a quick thrust, Shiga sank his weapon deep into the beast's heart. Black electricity surrounded the King as he reared back, grasping for the weapon in his chest.

Shiga stepped back, his body surrounded by white light again, and charged his own spell. The King was instantly vaporized, and the sky opened up, sunlight falling upon the city and scaring off all the other beastmen for some reason.

As Shiga exited Jeuno, Hiptaru appeared out of thin air and congratulated him, taking back his granted powers.

The realm was saved, and everything returned to normal.

The end.

Yes, that story is what Shiga told my brother and I actually happened, and if we didn't believe him, we could ask Hiptaru because he was there.

Tolkien eat your fucking heart out.