Let me start off by saying I hate April Fools day.
It is the single stupidest idea in the history of stupidest ideas.
I get we all like jokes, and mine are some of the best there is. But on April Fools day, the line between joke and asshole blurs like a literal asshole on the scrambled porn channel.
Refusing to participate in this travesty of a 'holiday' does not make me a revolutionary, no matter what the tabloids I print and distribute might say.
No, I refuse to participate for my own sanity.
I am already anxious enough in my daily routine without having to worry about weather or not my donuts contain mayonnaise.
My shampoo bottles have been preemptively thrown out, lest they be tainted with Nair or some crazy colored dye that might make me look like a tumblr patron.
Beer has not been bought this day, lest they be shaken and spray upon thine face with much force. Alcohol abuse, I tolerate not.
I have shut myself in, rifle clutched to my chest, awaiting dawn as if I am a lone survivor in a world that has been beset by vampires. Horrible, crossfitting vampires chanting "Just a prank, bro!"
In fact, picture I, Legend except replace Will Smith with a white guy sporting an awesome beard, and the zombies with Logan Paul.
This entry will be short, as there are many more hours left in this horrendous holiday, I must return to my sniper post upon the roof.
If no blog entry comes after this day, send search parties to check under mountains of shaving cream and toilet paper.
Goddess help us all.
